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Wednesday, June 21

Another Instance Of The Crazy That Lives In Me

Sunday night we were having a discussion about what we had going on for the week. Monday – dinner and drinks with friend, sell my truck and KH will be out of town. Tuesday – KH works late and I need to run errands for this weekend’s party and do various packing errands. Wednesday – spend some quiet time together enjoying a night in our house… while there is still furniture to sit on. Thursday – doctors appointments to attend to and trip to donate articles that we found hidden in dusty corners. Friday – KH works late again and wants to have drinks afterwards with friends. So I should ask to borrow the neighbor’s car.

And thus sparked the inner crazy.

Everything was going fine until that final days’ plan. The problem is that with my truck sold to the neighbors, we are down to one car that we have to share. Only for a week though because then his car, our last, will also be gone. Sharing should be soooo easy. Boy, were we soooo wrong. Neither of us are good little sandbox players.

From the time that the neighbors decided to purchase my truck, they have been totally willing to let us borrow their van when there is a need. (Well, damn they have three vehicular modes of transportation now! And we… will have none! How could they not allow us to partake in their car fortune?) I, unfortunately, have always been opposed to the idea but willing to go along with it for logic’s sake. You know, so we didn’t have to drop more cash on a rental or big bucks on a daily taxi to haul my ass around. BUT! I hate the thought of driving someone else’s car. For many ridiculous reasons but one major is that I just don’t feel like putting people out. This just feels like one more instance where I am doing just that. But they are willing so it looks like the planets aligned and I would have a car. (Okay, really a minivan. But PLEASE! Don’t point and laugh if you see me cruising down 95 in it the next week or two with the windows open and the Dixie Chicks new CD blaring.) We scheduled with our neighbors that I would use their van the week that we are carless, right before we move into a hotel. Every second I have since thought about it, my hair stands on end.

And to think that KH now wants me to ask for an additional day?! The pain I feel about this is truly excruciating. As we lay there discussing how this was logical and we were certain the neighbors will be fine with the extra day, I kept feeling my mentality inside cringing until I couldn’t hold it in anymore.

I laid on the edge of the bed in a ball and cried.

Big heaving, bed shaking, hiccuping sobs. Weeping tears streaming down my face. And absolutely no good reason for it.

What is my problem getting all worked up over this? It’s not that he wants to go out and have a few drinks. I am a big encourager of that. We all don’t drink half enough, I think! So I’m not at all telling him no to that. But somewhere deep inside of me, something was so mortally wounded that he would even ask me to go and request the dang minivan for an extra, wretched day that I just couldn’t control myself.

I think the problem lies in this. Not surprisingly, another irrational fear. I fear that ever since we have sold our vehicles but are still driving them until titles are transferred, I am certain that I am going to get mangled on the beltway. And it isn’t my health I am concerned about at all! No sir! It is the price that I would have to pay back to the person who paid me for the car. The purchasers hardly want to buy a Rent-A-Wreck from us. If I trash their paid for vehicles, will Metro Police hold me for ransom until I can put the car back into one piece?

Is this senseless rioting worth it? He sat there laughing at my nonsense that night. And wouldn’t you? I certainly would if I was lying next to a psycho every night.

The next morning, KH had left town but there was a note on the table. Call the car rental place. Do not pass go. Proceed directly to the phonebook.

But you know what? I think I will figure out how the bus transit system here works after all.

To hell with fighting crazy for now. I know she’ll be back another day and I should really save my energy.

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